Effing Dykes Presents: Exactly What Lies Beneath (Her Nails) | Autostraddle

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Krista

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Effing Dykes

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Hiya lezzers!

I’ve had gotten marshmallows and gluten-free graham crackers, so…

WHO WOULD LIKE TO NOTICE A SCARY STORY??

MWAH





HA HAHAHAHA!

Get buddy. Every person got your own buddy? Good. Hold on fast towards friend’s hand.

‘Cause this really is a genuine tale.

Ahem.

Once upon a time, when I ended up being very freshly gay I didn’t even comprehend I Became recently homosexual…

An meet older lesbians at the now-defunct queer bar called


Za’s


in Green Bay, Wisconsin

(I became entirely just indeed there to dance)


gave me some advice:

1)


Never start a combined bank account together with your enthusiast



2)


You shouldn’t fake sexual climaxes



3)


Be sure a lady’s nails are thoroughly clean.

The smart lesbian was in her later part of the 40’s, an age-group yet far from my personal 19-years-old-with-a-fake-ID self that I couldn’t also picture what it ought to be like to be so old.

Exactly how sad, I thought. Right here she is at a bar and she is old. I hope I really don’t end lonely like their.

Is not it enjoyable is the middle of your world?

Exactly what some shit I happened to be.

For whatever reason, though, we walked away from

Za’s


that night repeating her three guidelines to my self.

When I woke upwards, I thought ones.

It absolutely was kind of like during the Silver Chair, whenever Polly and Eustace Scrubb tend to be charged by Aslan to keep in mind The Signs.


You shouldn’t become you never re-read your Narnia boxed-set at least one time a year.

Anyhow! over the years, i recalled the three life instructions the lesbian had trained me personally. The woman advice produced sense.

I never ever unsealed a joint bank account with any individual.

We never faked sexual climaxes again following first couple of occasions i did so it, realizing I found myself, indeed, dooming myself personally to a continuous pattern of shitty gender by satisfying poor overall performance with my cries of “ecstasy.”

And I also constantly secretly inspected a female’s fingernails before I slept along with her.

Small? Check.

No abrasive borders? Check.

Clean? It Is search time.

But exactly why, sluts?


What’s the big issue about nails?


What exactly is with the short-nailed lesbian laughs? What?

I am talking about, alright, I have it. It really is tougher to fuck with very long fingernails. You can possibly puncture a lung or something.

But it is not difficult. I have had very long nails before for burlesque programs; screwin’ with ‘em isn’t what difficult — you simply make sure to make use of the pads of your own fingers.

Why was actually that lesbian so emphatic about thoroughly clean nails?

You guys, she was actually



SO. EMPHATIC.

I decided accomplish some debunking.

Certainly nothing could actually happen to you should you got banged by some one with filthy fingernails.

Immediately after which we recalled a tale thus horrible I would virtually forgotten it.

Homos.

Poor crap can occur.

This scary tale involves us due to my personal good-looking buddy ”


Cai



,” having observed even more cunt in heating than a kitty hospital on totally free Spay time.

Alright.

Cai


was in Miami when she met a really hot femme we’ll phone


Katie.

Katie


smelled like sugar snacks cooking, dressed in a leopard-print bikini, had enormous gold hoops that shimmered inside the light, in addition to held the greatest asses


Cai


had actually ever seen.

She privately texted me a photo of

Katie

at share so she could boast, and I also texted straight back,


“i’d strike that till my personal hand decrease off.”

Thus, yes,


Katie.

Cai


took


Katie


residence that night. There was in fact some really serious sipping.

While undressing


Katie


within the half-light,


Cai


noticed some thing she had not actually observed prior to:



Katie had cool fingernails.

Indeed,




Katie




had an extended, rhinestone-tipped French manicure. Juuuust like Rihanna.

Cai


couldn’t stop the emotional picture of these nails clawing down her straight back while she fucked


Katie


, very animalistic sex commenced.

Cai


actually allow

Katie


fuck the lady, despite the reality she ordinarily never ever allows anyone do this. What the hell, she thought. Going house the next day. Never ever see this woman again. I am able to get topped for every night.

Let’s fast-forward 2-3 weeks, shall we?

Anything ended up being wrong with


Cai’s


“area.”

Seriously, really completely wrong. It itched. It burnt.

Some, um, greenish-yellowish material had been oozing from it. And when we state some What i’m saying is exorbitant. quantities. of. pus.

Cai


refused to go to the lady-doctor.

Because being encouraging is what relationship is all about, whenever she informed me, we stated,


“So you ultimately had gotten the clap. Whorebag.”

Cai


laughed nervously. She moved house, googled “the clap” and turned into believing that she performed, indeed have actually gonorrhea. She went, for the first time ever


(she ended up being 28),


to your queer-friendly neighborhood gyno center.

They failed to know what ended up being incorrect together with her.

They tested this lady for gonorrhea. They tested for syphilis, herpes, HPV, chlamydia, the works. Absolutely Nothing.

Cai


was at some discomfort. She required solutions. She were placing the


‘pus’


in


“pussy”


for almost per month now.

So that they offered the lady an ultrasound.

AND COULD YOU YOU KNOW WHAT IT FOUND.

Vaginal rips. Throughout the inside of her vag.

A whole load of tears.

Cai


was indeed torn to shreds. Her insides happened to be holding in ribbons. Appeared as if crepe paper birthday ornaments inside.

And every thing – every final inches – had been contaminated.

It would appear that after Katie used the woman fabulous extended fingernails supply

Cai


a vigorous drunk-fuck, nobody understood that the woman nails happened to be in addition a festering reproduction surface for



microbial vaginosis

.

Amazing.

Cai


claims to have-been a stone-cold leading since that time.

My personal companion wikipedia claims you can get terrible bacterial infections from dirty nails. Apparently, there are often staphylococcus microbes hangin’ out, that could trigger such a thing from skin boils to motherfucking meningitis.

And you know what more?

Pinworm eggs.

S’all I’m gonna state.

That sensible lesbian was actually spot-on along with her life lessons.

Never ever open a mutual checking account with your enthusiast.

Never ever fake sexual climaxes.

And holy mama of goodness, see an innovative new strategy’s fingernails before banging.

Or you are doomed to suffer the fortune of Cai.

THE FINISH

I have to ask yourself, though…

Have any of y’all ever received such a thing terrible from another girl’s fingers?

Or been aware of an individual who did?

Or is this typically



(‘cept for Cai)



a lesbian metropolitan myth?

My personal fingers are inching towards the travel-sized Purell bottle.

I need answers.